A great question to ponder. Are you grateful for you? If not, why not?
Isabella ❤
As we express our gratitude, we must never
forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by
them. John F. Kennedy
An attitude of gratitude has always been a
precursor for living in a good moral standing. Those that are not grateful, we
are told, will be miserable, will not go the heaven, or will not receive more.
But this very notion that we must be grateful in order to "get"
something else, is a set up for failure. Here is why.
To be truly grateful for something means
that we value it, appreciate it, and have an authentic unconditional love of
it. Gratitude, as a platitude, is actually the exact opposite of truthfully
appreciating something or valuing it. Feigning gratitude in words or even with
forced emotion is really another form of lying. If you are grateful, you live
within it, you do not need to advertise it. Not that there is anything wrong
with advertising it, but unfortunately many think a demonstration of gratitude
is merely convincing ourselves and others how much we have it.
We have been told, "Be grateful for
what you have or else you will not receive more." So, we started ticking
off our items to be grateful for and making sure that everyone else knows it
too. We are also told that we must be grateful for God. Those that are not
grateful to God are in big trouble in the hereafter. We are also told that
"not" being grateful is behavior of only the most vile, selfish
people.
All of these conditioned beliefs set us up
for guilt, shame, unworthiness, and despair. I'm such a miserable person, I
don't even appreciate what I have, and so on. We shout and reverberate our
gratitude for God because deep down, we fear that not being grateful means we
will not have a chance for His grace or worse, that we might go to hell. But if
we are not truly grateful for what we have, it's not because we are bad or
evil, it's because we are asleep (metaphorically). Gratitude is an innate
quality to the soul and individual spirit of man. We don't have to feign it, we
are it. If we experience moments in our lives that point out our
un-gratefulness, we should be shouting hallelujah, I have been shown the light.
Here is an example. Most people feel that
they should be grateful for their jobs. Many people today have been heard to
say, "I know times are tough, so I am so grateful for my job." Which
is another way of saying, "I really hate my job but at least, thankfully,
I am better off than a lot of other people right now." This is not
gratitude, it's resignation and/or attempt to build up our own self-worth from
the backs of other more unfortunate unemployed people. First of all, if you
were truly grateful about your job, you probably would not feel a need to
declare it. You would live it! Your job would be an extension of your gratitude
for it. You would know this because your job makes you feel good, helps you to
contribute, and provides not only monetary needs, but emotional and spiritual
desires as well.
If you are complaining about
"it", whatever or whoever "it" is - news flash, you are not
grateful. If you cannot be happy within this moment, and you are constantly
looking forward to the next day, or the next exciting event, or even wishing
this moment would hurry up and be over, guess what, you are not grateful for
what you have. When you wish for, pine for, fight for, anything, you are not
grateful for what you have. If you see anything as missing from your life, then
you are not grateful for it. Gratitude is unconditional acceptance of what IS.
Seem harsh?
Some of you might say, "Hey, I wish
for and I will fight for peace." Why? Is it missing in your life? If it
wasn't, why would you feel like you need to fight for it? For others? Find it
in your own heart first, then see what needs to be done to promote peace.
Peace, Love, Joy and so on are not won because we refuse to accept their
absence - they are won when we admit their presence. See, if we can't embrace
the wholeness and completeness of where we are now, then we will always be
grasping for it in the future. No amount of demonstrating, shouting,
commiserating, or scheming will change it, even if we do it with the banner of
love and gratitude in our hand. Peace is. Love is. Gratitude is.
A recent strategy for developing a sense of
gratitude is keeping a gratitude journal. This is something I do myself, but it
is within this deep contemplation about what I am truly grateful for that
brought to light the set up. I noticed that as I was ticking off things I am
"supposed" to be grateful for, how rote and contrived my list began
to feel. I was really just paying lip service to them. I guess the theory is
that the more we say it in our minds, the more we might believe it? I used to
write every day how grateful I am for my family. Really, then why do complain
about them, judge or criticize them (even if only in my head). A harsh reality
for me was when I realized I was not really all that grateful for them. This is
a tough message, I know. It sure was for me. But blame, guilt or shame is not
the answer to this dilemma. The answer comes from acceptance, forgiveness, love
and compassion, both to myself and to my family. The solutions and the
corrections must come from the truth.
Living from a false premise "I am
grateful for my family", when truly you have never really forgiven so and
so for what they said, or really you wish so and so would change, and really
you are so disappointed in so and so - is not only robbing yourself of
authentic living, but you will never find a solution to those feelings by
living "as if" they weren't true and feigning a sense of gratitude.
The resolutions to what you are
"not" truly grateful for cannot come from an attitude of denial.
Don't feel bad because you still resent Aunt Mary for what she said ten
Thanksgivings ago, feel curious. Not for why Aunt Mary said it, but for why you
still resent her for it. What wake-up call is this giving you? When you value
Aunt Mary, when you appreciate her and show that appreciation in your actions
and behaviors towards her - then you are grateful for her. Until then, work on
the real root cause of the conflict in you. This does not mean you have to be
fake or unkind to Aunt Mary, just that you know in your own heart and soul, you
still have feelings of conflict about her that YOU need to address.
The notion that we cannot have more until
we are grateful for what we have is true, but the part that was left out was,
you must TRULY be grateful for them. That is again, the set up. The idea is
that if we "act" grateful (and some of us even truly believe we are
grateful by the English definition of the word), then more things will work out
our way. Then we scratch our heads in wonder about why things are not working out
for us, we are so grateful after all! Acting ungrateful by not recognizing or
being flowery with our thanks and so on, will obviously make others not like us
(we are told anyway). But really, acting ungrateful is just being honest. That
does not make it admirable perhaps, but neither is fake gratitude.
Altruist behaviors that are done out of
disingenuous gratitude require recognition. If you expect recognition, or are
disappointed because you didn't get it, then your grateful actions are not
genuine. These types of generous actions are done for your benefit, not the
recipients. This is not to say stop doing them - they still may be helping
someone else, but please consider your motives and your intentions when giving
to others to express your gratitude. Don't worry, if you are truly grateful,
you'll show it appropriately. It will be natural and effortless. You do not
have to come up with elaborate or flamboyant action to demonstrate true
gratitude.
My intention with this article is not to
make you feel bad. On the contrary, my intention is to give you some relief and
hope. You are not a "bad" person if you are not grateful -
unconscious, misled, or metaphorically asleep, perhaps, but not bad or mean.
This contemplation about gratitude is an opportunity to get yourself straight
on what you really value and appreciate, and what you may want to work through
internally to release so that you "can" truly be grateful.
I know that many of you have things and
people in your life that you are truly grateful for. You may have noticed that
when you just let gratitude unfold from genuine appreciation and value, that
these things just continue to grow and take root in your life. Take some time
to consider how you value yourself and others. Be an advocate to others by
expressing gratitude for yourself and to God by how you conduct your life. If
you are not there yet, don't fake it. Be patient and compassionate instead.
Yes, gratitude is an essential element for living from the highest moral and
spiritual standpoint, but so are honesty, authenticity and love. Gratitude,
like other inherent qualities you always have available to you (love, joy,
peace) are not fake it until you make it emotions. It takes awakening to see it
in yourself, not enforcement. Expressing unconditional honesty and love IS
gratitude. You should almost NEVER have to say it. It must be lived.
Here are a couple of ideas to think about
while you are contemplating your great-fullness in your life:
- What you value and appreciate expands. If you are feeling like things you should be grateful for are lacking (like family, job, relationships, finances), consider how you value them right now. Can you see that by devaluing them (considering them lacking) pushes these things away, not brings them closer to you?
- Please do not fall into the ego trap of feigning gratitude for gain. True gratitude is lived and experienced, not forced with words and deeds. Be truly grateful first - the deeds will come.
- Gratitude emerges from the source. Are you grateful for you? Do you value yourself by always honoring yourself with love and grace? Or, do you find something lacking? Begin within, only then can you be experience gratitude.
- Take any small item in your life that you love and consider it deeply. Like a kitchen knife. How do you care for this item? Do you sharpen it? Do you always make sure it is clean so you can use it all the time? Do you always reach for it? Now contrast your value to your favorite item to your favorite person. How do you express your appreciation of this person?
- Please consider deeply the difference between value and appreciating something or someone and obsessing and controlling them. This is an important idea I will leave you with because, even though it speaks to authentic gratitude, it is a topic worth exploring in-depth, perhaps in another article. I think logically you know that obsessing and controlling is not gratitude - so where do you stand on this?
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